Redneck Zombie Work in Progress

Here's a piece I began working on about a three months ago which got placed on the back-burner due to since I wrote myself into a corner and subsequently returned to work on my novel. It's the beginning of a redneck zombie story which, if I can write myself out of said corner, will also serve as a not-so-subtle metaphor for capitalism. The bullet points are actually supposed to by hyphens (a la Gaddis) which unfortunately I was unable to convert from Microsoft Word into the blogging format and I just don't have the time to fiddle with right now. Anyway, here's the beginning and no, there aren't any zombies in it yet. But yes, there are rednecks. Working title is . . .

Affluenza 

• Somethin's come over the boy.
• Ask me an' I'd say somethin's been over him.
• Pa, now, you know damn well what I mean.
• I do. Forgive me, Ma. Yup, I do. An affliction, I'd say. Somethin' awful serious.

Ma an' Pa is dangling horny feet in the creekbed, letting them toes get all sorts o' tangled up in the algae an' the muckety-muck. I almost didn' pull up beside 'em, but Pa said that it weren't no matter, see, an' what else we got the spigot back home for? Well, argument 'nough for me, an' so I sat on down right there, ass in the mud an' ev'rythin' an' the topic what they been discussin' ain't no other 'n Simon, my older brother all growed up who Ma an' Pa named after Simon o' Cyrene, the man what carried Jesus' cross up Calvary.

• Fixin' to tell us something, Laney?
• Get on with it, girl, no need to be shy all suddenly.

That's Ma an' Pa t'me an' they can see right away something vicious rippin' my insides but good. Me with my habits, what Pa calls my “tells,” some term or other he done adopted off a card game with Uncle Chewy an' Rupert Lasso not more 'n two, three months 'fore. Well, my biggest “tell” what Pa'd told me about is my fingers get all fidgety-like. See, right now I been busy tying all manner o' knots with the onion grass, just pluckin' blades an' wrappin' the ends all 'round into figure-eights an' sheepshanks. 'Nother habit o' mine is I like to smell my fingers after I've been messing with the onion grass. That one, though, it don't matter if I'm hidin' nothin' or not, I just like the way it smells all sharp an' rude.

• Don't rightly know that I'm comfortable talking on Simon like this, Pa.
• Family don't keep secrets, girl. You hear me good now.

Ma pulls her legs up out o' the creek. She brings her feet, bunions, algae, an' all, back up on the bank, then tucks 'em underneath her, Indian-style. Usually Ma's a graceful woman, but seein' her now all dirty an' swattin' mosquitoes from behind her neck, it's a sight what'd make anyone smirk real crooked.

• Nothin' funny here, girl. You better be out with it, else I'm liable to yank it outta you.
• Now, Pa. Give her a moment.
• Only one what'd test my patience this much, Ma, the Good Lord Hisself.

When Pa starts bringin' in the Good Lord or our Savior Jesus Christ or 'specially the Lamb o' God, these are the times you can tell he's gettin' awful serious.

• Simon'd do my arm a rope-burn worse 'n I ever seen if I say anythin' to you. Made him a promise, I did.
• Your brother ain't hardly more grown up than you yourself, Laney. No authority figure in my house aside from me here in front o' you an' our Savior Jesus Christ. Now out with it.

Well, with two o' the three Holiest o' Holies already brung, I know Pa's fixin' to get righteous angry any second now an' Simon can go ahead, rope-burn my arm all he wants, but ain't nothing worse 'n when Pa loses his temper. Old Testament kind o' wrath. Kind you don't wanna be 'round.

Untitled Dialogue Exercise

The first three lines of this piece are from John Berger's novel King: A Street Story (p. 102). As an exercise in my fiction workshop last semester we were told to begin a dialogue exchange using these lines and then to proceed with it however we saw fit (paying no mind to the characters, story, etc. from Berger's piece). 

Untitled Dialogue Exercise

Where is she?

She's walking between the trees. Her name is in the air.

I can't see her, he says.

No, you wouldn't. Not yet.

You take jabs at my eyesight now?

It's something different. This isn't about seeing or not seeing.

Tell me she'll be here soon. We miss her so much sometimes, don't we?

Do we?

Don't we?

You do. I do. Yes, we miss her. How could we not?

No, but it wasn't always like this. I say sometimes because there were other times before now when it wasn't so easy to miss her. She would go and we wouldn't wait. Our expectations, they were lower then.

But now they are higher?

They have to be. We depend on her now. My eyesight, your compassion, she doesn't have such weaknesses.

Maybe that is her weakness, though.

We don't need to talk. We can just wait until she's here and then things will be fine, they'll be back to normal and we don't need to fill the air with this – this shit we say to keep ourselves company.

It's you, always you, who starts in with this “shit.” Free me from the blame and I won't speak anymore.

First the blame and then what? What will you ask to be freed from next? I can only do so much. We count on her, but sometimes I have to count on you too. Don't get any ideas. You're pardoned this time only. That's it.

You can speak, he says. I know what I said, but go ahead. She still isn't here and we could use the company, couldn't we? Go ahead now.

Sometimes I don't know if I should apologize to you or just drop it altogether.

You don't need to do that. Either one.

I wouldn't mean it if I did.

That's good. That's why I like you. It takes someone special to be honest about their disingenuity.

I couldn't lie about that, no. You'd know right away.

Exactly. You aren't a very good liar, he says. That's an admirable trait, lying poorly. Some people spend their whole lives trying to and still everyone believes them. Some people, some people. Some people like me.

You're selling yourself short. You do this again and again and you wonder why we have to rely on her, why you have to rely on me. Don't sell yourself short. You're a terrible liar and she loves you for it.

Flattery, flattery. I wonder how much longer. How much longer she'll keep us waiting. You say she loves me and then she keeps me waiting, keeps us both waiting.

We keep ourselves waiting. We've made her too important to us and now we haven't got any other choice.

I suppose we could leave if we wanted to. Just us two and maybe she'd catch up to us or maybe she wouldn't, but we would prove that we can do it. Make it just the two of us, like we did before her.

As you said, though, your eyesight, my compassion. Before we didn't know how weak we were.

Again with my eyesight. You don't relent.

She's stopped.

Somewhere in the forest? Where is she?

No, somewhere else. I can't pick her up. I wonder –

She's still coming.

I can't say.

You have to, though. After what I've just said about counting on you and now you'll deny me this?

She's stopped. I can't say anymore. I can't taste her. The air grows thick.

This is unlike you. Usually so alert, so adept. And now this.

There's nothing I can do.

You can lie.

Okay. She's still coming. Okay? 

Top 5 Mainstream Hip-Hop Albums of 2012

Back in 2012 it seemed like every other week there was a new hip-hop album dropping and, more often than not, the album was a blast to listen to. Of course, there were a handful of disappointments (most notably Nicki Minaj's Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded and Wiz Khalifa's O.N.I.F.C.), but for the most part I was overwhelmingly satisfied. Enough to craft this handy-dandy top five list.

5) Meek Mill - Dreams and Nightmares

Meek Mill did the right thing when it came to building hype for his debut album. Despite being Rick Ross's protege (in a manner of speaking), the Philly rapper opted to drop the track "Amen" featuring Drake as his first single rather than any of the three songs featuring Ricky "Humdrum" Rosay. The song is catchy, funny, and it has Drake, so you pretty much can't go wrong. It was enough to get me interested at least. 

So, intrigued, I gave the whole album a listen and I wasn't disappointed. Meek Mill kicks it off with the title track on which he starts slow before going off which sets the pace for the rest of the album. Despite the obligatory Maybach Music collaborations with other label artists (the aforementioned and interminable Rick Ross, Louie V, Sam Sneaker), Meek shines here and doesn't let his album get bogged down with too many featured artists. For the most part, those who are featured are done so in good taste (Kirko Bangz, Drake, Mary J. Blige, Big Sean, etc.) and the solo tracks remain impressive.  

A solid debut from a talented rapper. 

Hip-Hop Stars and Their NFL Doppelgangers Pt. 2

Hip-Hop Stars and Their NFL Doppelgangers Pt. 2

Finals are done which means I can get back on my blogging grind, so enjoy!

Here's my next batch of hip-hop stars and their NFL doppelgangers:

LMFAO = Rob Gronkowski

LMFAO just recently broke up which is heartbreaking, but their legacy of party-rocking lives on. Similarly, Rob Gronkowski just broke his forearm, but his legacy of being the best damn tight end in the NFL and also one of the league's hardest partiers remains.

These guys are all good at what they do, but more importantly they're even better at having fun. LMFAO's song “Get Crazy” is the theme to Jersey Shore, they made a series of sick music videos all spoofing horror movies which I totally dig, and their songs “I'm Sexy and I Know It” and “Shots” will be heard in bars and nightclubs for decades to come.

What about Rob Gronkowski? Dude absolutely kills it week after week. He had a record-setting season last year, got into all kinds of controversy by lending his jersey to a porn star for a quick photo op, and supposedly got tangled up with some jailbait while out raging.

No one parties harder than the Gronk, though I'd put some money down that LMFAO could give him a run for his money.

Page of Giving

Another prompt from my fiction workshop. This time we were given the subject "Page of Giving" and told to run with it. Alas, I was not inspired by the holidays, but still managed to pull something off. Ch-ch-check it out. 

Page of Giving

Fifteen percent used to be kosher but you can never tell anymore and Frankie says he's a regular so maybe I should probably leave a little bit more like twenty percent would probably do it, but the bill isn't huge. What we used to do is we used to tip by the drink. At the bar at least. Bartender hands you a drink, beer, cocktail, whatever, it's a dollar tip. No question. Okay. And this is just drinks, but twenty percent doesn't even amount to a dollar tip per drink which means I'm either being stingy or ignorant or just what? I don't know. How much is Frankie leaving? Look at him, look at him. Schmoozing it up with the waitress like they're such good friends like they're gonna make plans and get together some time and she's only doing her job. She's talking you up for the cash, bro. Look at him go. He's oblivious. Well, not me. No way, buckeroo. I won't be caught off-guard. How'm I doing? Huh? How were my drinks? Don't you worry about me, hon, I'm busy right now. I got a lot on my mind, see? While you're busy doing your job, here I am trying to have a nice day, a couple drinks with my man, and it should be relaxing, but no. No, it isn't. 'Cause you got me doing math on my nice, relaxing day. Twenty percent? Hah! After all this brain power, after all this energy, aren't I due some small commission? Aren't I due a fraction of that back? Yeah, you'll be lucky to see fifteen. I'll leave fifteen all right, but not a cent more. How much is that? How much is he giving her? This is embarrassing. No, no, this is embarrassing. Does she have change for a twenty, Frankie? It's her job to have change for a freaking twenty! Come on, come on, give me a break. Seventeen point five. That's all she's getting. Yeah, yeah, honey, the drinks were fine. Nuh uh. They weren't twenty percent good, that's for sure. I can do seventeen point five. And that's being generous. Look at this dent where my wallet used to stick out. Look how generous I am. Frankie, stop talking now. Stop talking, it's time for us to go. Is she looking? She's looking and I can't pay while she's looking. Why do they always do this? Twenty percent, huh? You want the big two-oh? Yeah, uh huh. Keep staring. Keep gloating. The drinks were fine. They were fine. And next time, yeah, you better believe that next time I'm not leaving a freaking cent over fifteen. 

E-mail to/from Zadie Smith

Author Zadie Smith, whose new novel NW came out about two months ago, became a big deal back when her first novel White Teeth was released to critical acclaim in 2000. She was 25 at the time. In the literary community, the elite are termed "major writers" and Smith earned this status almost immediately with the publication of White Teeth.

I'd wanted to read the aforementioned book for some time now and finally got the chance to do so, however after reading one question remained. I e-mailed Smith and she responded (which is AWESOME). Our brief exchange can be found below. 

My e-mail: 

Hi Professor Smith, 

My name's Charlie Griggs (in case the e-mail address didn't tip you off) and I'm currently in my first year studying to receive my MFA in Fiction from San Diego State University. That being said, as part of the curriculum for a British literature course I'm taking (1950-present), I read your novel White Teeth. My professor advised that I e-mail you and attempt to pursue the following question after inquiring in class with little success: 

As the novel progresses, the Chalfens grow ever more irritable. However, I was plagued by the phonetics of their name from the very first mention of Joshua. The name "Chalfen" in and of itself, I find to be especially grating from the soft "A"-sound to the "-lf-" which strikes me as the type of guttural someone who's choking on food might make. Is the surname "Chalfen" meant to reflect the repugnance of the family in question or am I waaaaay off? 

Anyhow, for the sake of diplomacy I should note that I hold nothing against the Chalfens and, despite my distaste for them as people, they remain successful as characters. Additionally, if you find the last name "Chalfen" appealing and my comments w/r/t guttural choking noises have caused you any offense, I sincerely apologize. 

Hope to hear back from you! 

- Charlie Griggs

Her response: 

Hi Charlie,

I guess I never thought of the name as terrible. it was just the last name of someone i knew at the time and i stole it - most of my names come that way. either people, or books on my desk. literally when i need to name a character i look up from my lap top and choose two names often at random from whatever books or leaflets or posters are within my sight range.

i remember liking chalfen especially though because it lends it self to adjectival forms 'chalfenesque' 'chalfenish', and so on. not all names do that so well.

best

The Stereotypical Horror Movie Victims' Halloween 2012 Hit-List

I spent a while thinking about how I wanted to structure this blog post. Originally it was going to be called "Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue" and I was going to spotlight a classic horror movie, a recent one, a remake, and whatever the hell "Something Blue" would entail. I still don't know what I would've done with that last criteria, so it's a relief that I didn't use the above idea.

Next I thought about taking the names of the seven dwarves from Snow White and selecting a horror movie to correspond with each one of them. For instance, Doc = a movie about an evil doctor/dentist, Dopey = a crappy movie, Sleepy = ???. As you can see, this was an awful idea and one whose origin I'm still unable to trace, but troubled by nonetheless.

Anyway, here we are and I think I've found the perfect structural device to give this blog post the panache it needs to really stand out. So, without further ado, I present to you:

The Stereotypical Horror Movie Victims' Halloween 2012 Hit-List

Odds are that you're familiar with the usual cast of characters in a horror movie: the virginal heroine and her foil the whore, the noble male protagonist and his foil the party animal, and then whatever other two-bit character(s) the film's creators decide to throw in the mix to up the body count. Well, I'm going to shamelessly structure my list of Halloween horror movie recommendations off of those aforementioned stereotypes, so bear with me. (I've avoided plot details for the most part, so as to keep spoilers to a minimum.)

The Virginal Heroine
This is the character who usually survives (until the sequel). She's chaste and honorable and, despite the idiotic decisions her friends make, she manages to outsmart her competition. Reminds me of a little film called Don't Look Now (1973) in which a grieving couple visits Italy where a series of murders are occurring at the time. This movie may not be flashy, but it remains true to its story and its characters and, in doing so, manages to outsmart most of the modern horror films out there today.